Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Life. It goes on.

This picture is ironic because it's of the island of San Michele, the cemetery island near Venice. 

Even though I haven't blogged in a very long time life has gone on anyway. Undocumented. And while there have been a lot of good things and happy moments, they've been hard to focus on because I've been depressed and had anxiety. I'm not clinically diagnosed and not on medication, though I probably should have been last winter, and maybe the one before that. I've felt myself feeling better, understanding happy again. Sometimes. But a lot of the time I'm still reminding myself to find the happy and the joy, enjoy the journey. Not be worried, remember that life goes on, things work out. Sooner or later, eventually, eventually.

Moving is hard. No, we're not moving again. Yet. But we'll have to, eventually, since this is another rental house. It is a perfectly fine place to live but something in my brain will not turn on to make it be home. This would be fine except that I have a transient attitude that I know hasn't helped me with all of this over the past few years. I've thought, in the back of my mind, we'll be moving again, these people don't want/need my friendship. They have each other. And my old friends, they have each other, they don't need me. I'm gone. It's not a good attitude to have. It sounds petty and selfish almost, and insecure. I used to be different. I'm getting back to what I used to be and feel but it's a process. And really, we don't get ourselves back, right? Because we are the sum of our experiences. So we gain something, have to let things go, and piece ourselves back together the best way we can with whatever glue or paste or Lego bricks we have to use. Sometimes it sticks, sometimes we fall apart again and build anew.

And I share this so that someday, looking back, I'll remember what it felt like to be sad and worried and hopefully I'll be able to look out at others with empathy and see who is putting on a really good face. And be understanding that sometimes you just can't snap out of things or gratitude-list your way into happiness. Sometimes being grateful to be alive is all you can muster and some days that has to be enough.

There are a lot of things I should document about the past year. Maybe I will to find the good and pad the memory of this time of my life with the best things that happened. Or maybe I won't and life will continue to go on. And that's okay too.


Torrie said...

Oh paige, I'm sorry you're sad. I wish I could give you a big hug and take you to bucca for caprese salad! Moving is hard, I moved a bunch as a kid, and though it can be difficult to make new friends,you do, and each friend brings a new little spark of joy to your life. I hope you can get settled in a permanent place soon so you can feel at home and at ease. Love you friend!

Shannon said...

Paige, I'm so sorry I didn't see this when you wrote it. Between travel/ fires/ computer viruses, I haven't been reading blogs. A couple of years ago when I was having a hard time, I had a realization - being sad isn't any different than other illnesses. When we have the flu, we don't like it, but we accept it and understand that eventually we will get through it. We give ourselves permission to move a little slower and to indulge in the things that make us feel better. This acceptance made a big difference for me. It didn't take away the sadness, but it took away the anxiety I felt, constantly wondering why my gratitude lists and scripture reading weren't making everything instantly better. I know we haven't spent a tone of time together, but I consider you a true friend and a kindred spirit.

enigma said...

So sweet))))) Interesting)