Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Good Practice

Last night Sommer woke up 5 times between 10:30 and 3:30. I know, she needs to cry it out but it is hard to let that happen when she is sitting next to her door, blankets bundled in her arms and her door is right next to ours. And Eric woke up at 5 to go exercise. I kind of heard him leave and thought, "I've got 45 more minutes to sleep." I heard him come back and was half-awake, trying to talk myself into running, because it was my turn to go exercise. I asked about the weather and he informed me that it wasn't bad, a little windy. I was thinking it would be good practice for the race in a couple of weeks, running when I am already so tired, when I haven't slept enough. It was hard to talk myself into it. I finally sat up and cried for minute there on the side of my bed, feeling exhausted. And then I got up and got dressed and went out to run. I didn't go as long as I had planned the night before, but I went. And I was right in assuming that my other children wouldn't have let me sleep much longer anyway. When I returned at 6:45 the oldest 3 were all awake, Cannon and Laine snuggled into my bed. It was easier to see them that early after having exercised, but I can't say that I'm all bubbles of energy right now, I'm still tired.

And now, thoughts on something else, if you care to read on...

Monday night I watched most of Oprah. It was an episode about the Secret Life of Moms -- all the things that no one says out loud. I agreed on a lot of what was said, basically that motherhood is hard. They talked a little about the sacrifice of motherhood. It was supposed to be a forum, all these moms saying things that aren't usually said aloud. I know it was supposed to be helpful but I didn't feel helped. I think because it focused so much on what was hard about motherhood that they avoided talking about the joys of motherhood, how special it can be even through the exhaustion and messes and sacrifice.

So when I was running my thoughts went to a story that I heard this weekend told by the prophet of our church. It was about a woman who lived in Prussia who was forced to leave her homeland after the war. Her husband was killed in the war and so she walked, alone, with her 4 children, the oldest, a 7-year-old, pulling the wagon that held their posessions. Fall and winter came and one by one, her children died. She dug the graves of the oldest three with a teaspoon and when her baby died, she dug the grave with her hands. She wanted to die, but she didn't kill herself. She contined on her journey, found strength in her faith and I'm assuming that when she did finally die she was greeted by her children. It was so hard to listen to that story, I was picturing myself last year when my children were the same ages. I was nearing the end of my run when thinking about this and every few breaths would come out as a sob. I can't imagine facing that kind of loss. I'm so lucky and blessed that I have the 4 healthy children that I hoped for, that my biggest trial of the day was getting up to run, that I could go home and cry a little, a little for exhaustion, a little for grace, in my hot shower.

There are so many things on my to-do list, not just the daily things, but things I want to accomplish for myself in my life. I sometimes forget that being a good mom is the most important thing on my list. It really is such a short time that my children are really mine, and that is hard to remember as well. This morning it was easy to remember though. (And that's why I'm writing in my blog instead of engaging with my daughters!) And I do feel overwhelmed and inadequate quite a lot and motherhood seems hard. Like last week during spring break. I had plans fo us but it rained so much, even for Seattle, that we would do our little plans and then only half the day would be done and so we watched way too much tv.

I could go on, I'm not sure how to end this post, I've been interrupted from it many times over the past 2 hours. So I'll just finish with this: I'm glad I get to be a mom.

13 comments:

-::bee::- said...

I really appreciated what you had to say, that you're glad you get to be a mom. I've been hearing so much negativiy since I've been pregnant that it's good to hear the other side.

Kathi said...

Paige...
So thankful for your thoughts. Made me stop and thank God for my sweet darling napping in his crib right now. I couldn't imagine losing him or his lovely sister. Thank you for keeping me grounded and my mind focused as I push thru this day. You are an amazing mom!

Team Biddle said...

I love your thoughts on this. I'm glad I didn't see that Oprah because i might have gotten on board saying how hard it is, and forgetting the joys. I was re-watching conference yesterday and had that reminder hit me again about how my most important goal is Noey. His rearing, teaching and growth. And I'm lucky its me!

You are a great Mom. Sure love you.

I don't think I'll ever look at a teaspoon the same.

Lark said...

What a great post! I was cracking up with your "bubbles of energy" comment and totally second your feelings on the latter part of your post. Thanks for sharing!

Shannon said...

Paige, you are SO inspiring. I love the honesty of this post. I, too, have had those moments when I shed a few tears before doing what has to be done. (Not running - I would have definitely stayed in my warm bed after a night like you described!)
And I appreciate your recognition of the blessings of motherhood. It is a hard job - I don't think there is any harder. But it is also the best. Thank you for reminding me how lucky I am.

kelly said...

perfect paige.
love your honesty.
and that story has been haunting me this week too.
love ya!

Torrie said...

a good reminder!
as i sit here trying to read blogs- yours will be the only one- holding my screaming 3 month old..
i do love being a mom, and find the rewards to greatly out number the hard times.

Satoko said...

This post made me cry. Thank you for your thoughts.

Jen Bailey said...

Grazie, Sorella, for reminding me of the blessings of motherhood and the little luxuries I enjoy (like a hot shower). Ti voglio bene.

Alexis said...

I didn't see that Oprah either, but perhaps someone needed to say that one thing that is not said enough about motherhood- that most of us mothers willingly chose to venture down this challenging path, that we willingly made sacrifices and gave up other opportunities to have the opportunity of motherhood. Yes, it is so hard, the hardest thing I've ever done. But the chance to love and know my children is so worth it.

I really appreciate your posts- thanks for sharing. I know that feeling of running and sobbing.

Kim said...

Well said...

Tracie said...

Amen, Paige! AMEN! Well said - thanks again for the reminder as I anticipate another up/down night with Morgan.

curly girl said...

I saw part of that Oprah and it made me grouchy. I'm all for honesty and supporting each other, but gee whiz, ladies, what did you expect?! Of course, there's nothing anyone could tell you ahead of time that would truly prepare you for what it's like to bring a child into the world (though they could be more honest when they say "After birth, nursing helps the uterus go back to it's normal size" and say, "After birth, nursing gives you unbelievable cramps!"), I still felt like they ignored so many miraculous experiences you have as a mom. YES, there are HARD times...sometimes many, all at once, but there are also breathtaking moments of miracles and joy and wonderment. The trick is to recognize and embrace them all, don't you think? Kinda a "know the bitter to know the sweet," I guess. I am such a different person than I would have been w/o kids. And, I think that's a good thing?! :)